New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
