I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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