When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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