Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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