The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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