we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
