someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
