are you still at the devil's house?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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