Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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