I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
