She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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