wakey wakey hands off snakey
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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