nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
