Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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