What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Be still, my beating vagina.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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