i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
they're like a gay fantastic four
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
