nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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