and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
