look no pants
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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