if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
