Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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