Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
