I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
