So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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