ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
