I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
