the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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