I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
