You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
