i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
