good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
