He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
