Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
