I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
