Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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