Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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