You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
