i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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