just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
