i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
