Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
