history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
