It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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