Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
