I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Pooping to opera.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
