I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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