i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
