Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
