i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
