2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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